


Priority: Hope

by laissemoidanser



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-10-06 15:11:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10337384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laissemoidanser/pseuds/laissemoidanser
Summary: Hope. John Shepard was way too familiar with this word. He heard it every day, everywhere, on Citadel, on every inhabited planet, in every corner of the Galaxy. He was that hope. And at that difficult hour, when the world had finally realized the true scope of the impending threat, all eyes were turning towards him. They made a symbol out of him, raised him to the incomprehensible rank of the unbreakable hero, set the fate of all humanity on his shoulders.But John also needed hope.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This game overtook my life so I had to write this  
> My first ME fic

 

***

 

_"And that makes me so happy, Shepard."_

Hope. John Shepard was way too familiar with this word. He heard it every day, everywhere, on Citadel, on every inhabited planet, in every corner of the Galaxy. He was that hope. And at that difficult hour, when the world had finally realized the true scope of the impending threat, all eyes were turning towards him. They made a symbol out of him, raised him to the incomprehensible rank of the unbreakable hero, set the fate of all humanity on his shoulders.

However, John Shepard was a mere mortal being. A mere soldier, who also was hiding fear, doubts, insecurity and uncertainty in his heart. Except, he had to cross  all these feelings out, he had to push them farther to the most secret corners of his soul and he had to become what everyone expected of him. That was his purpose, his duty. Even though deep in his heart he was still only John:  a boy from the streets, an orphan, who had to witness the death of his family, who had to survive by right or wrong. John also needed hope. He also needed someone to turn to in the moments when the weight of the world became truly unbearable...

Someone--

\-- who had always been somewhere by his side. Who’d followed him everywhere through thick and thin. Who’d been to hell and back with him. Someone who’d been rotating in the same orbit for all these years, from the very beginning. And all this time, John had been convincing himself that any relationships are secondary phenomena, completely unacceptable for him. That on his most important mission there was no place for feelings. To tell the truth, he’d never really accounted for his feelings, didn’t really find the time to stop and think about such things. A mission should always remain priority. That was his motto. To give himself completely to the world, to the galaxy and to throw himself into the eye of the storm - that was his plan. He didn’t even expect that such a plan would allow him to live for this long. He didn’t expect that one day, sitting in a cafe and looking into the caramel eyes of his friend, he would find... happiness.

Kaidan had been there from the very start. Just like Ashley ... .When he first met him, he took him for granted, just like all the rest of the Normandy crew. Kaidan was no different from them, and Shepard didn’t see anything special in him. Just like many of them, he was talented, a strong biotic trained in battle, loyal to the core, and maybe just a little bit aloof. It was later when Shepard began to notice that he’d developed a surprisingly tender kind of attachment to Kaidan, that he was caring for him deeply. However, he’d grown attached to many people on his team, and it was quite natural. The first Normandy will always occupy a special place in his heart. He kept convincing himself that he felt same kind of attachment and affection towards Ashley. Except Ashley didn’t seem to need such affection, she was much stronger than Shepard himself when it came to fighting, and she could kick anyone’s ass. Kaidan ..., Kaidan was vulnerable in his heart. He didn’t show it in any way, but Shepard knew somehow.

 

_"I see why this place is so popular. It’s got quite the, uh...view "_

 

Shepard will never forget the days when one of the missions brought them into a strip club on Citadel, and lieutenant Alenko was so genuinely impressed by the sight of asari dancing at the poles, that, despite his usual restraint, he couldn’t help expressing his opinion. Ashley cut him off,

_"Lieutenant, put your tongue back in your mouth. Before you trip on it"_

_And Shepard could swear that Kaidan's cheeks flushed. Lieutenant rubbed his temples, pretending that he was struggling with one of his usual migraines._

_"Really, Ashley…,”_ _Shepard reproached her softly. She only looked him up and down critically and whispered something along the lines of_

  _"Men ..."_

 

But mission should always remain a priority.

And yet, that motto didn’t save him from the consequences of the choice he had to make on Virmire. He could save only one of his friends - Ashley or Kaidan. John would have given anything for one spare minute of time that day. Just one minute. He was on his way to save Ashley, determined to do so, but when Kaidan's voice came through the communication port, air was knocked out of his lungs. He wouldn’t have been able to take even one step further, even if he’d tried very hard.

 

_“It’s okay, Commander. I don’t have any regrets.”_

_"I'm sorry, Ashley," Shepard breathed out, no longer accounting for what he was doing._

He only knew that if he didn’t save Ashley that day, his brave Ashley, he would be living in blame for the rest of his life. If he didn’t save Kaidan, he wouldn’t be able to live.

After Virmire, Kaidan had changed. Something cold was present in his eyes every time he looked at Shepard. He couldn’t forgive him for what he’d done. Couldn’t forgive himself for being the one who survived. And John would’ve preferred to erase what happened on Virmire from his memory once and for all. Except it wasn’t possible. So he had to exist with a doubled sense of guilt. And no, back then he could hardly make sense of his fucked up mess of feelings. His heart had been cracked, but Commander Shepard soldiered on. Always forward.

When the first Normandy was destroyed, Kaidan disappeared from his life. Shepard himself disappeared from the world, was presumed dead. All the time he spent working for Cerberus, something was constantly missing from John’s soul, some important part. However, he preferred to think that such things happen: an attributive side effect after being brain dead for a while, then resurrected and made into an experimental project, bound by obligations _._ Mission should always remain a priority _._ Even if the new Normandy was now flying under the enemy markings, even if his team now consisted of unfamiliar, sometimes suspicious faces.

When Shepard met Kaidan on Horizon, everything inside him turned and twisted. It had been so long, too long. It was difficult for him to find words, and he didn’t realize what exactly he was saying. Something about how much time had passed, and in such a manner as if he saw the lieutenant every single day, as if they weren’t separated by death and resentment, and damn Cerberus. Shepard had to admit that he was overwhelmed with what he was feeling, but he didn’t show it. Kaidan, on the contrary, seemed to lose it completely.

_"Why didn’t you let me know you were alive? Where’ve you been all this time? Shepard. I would’ve followed you anywhere! Thinking you were gone…was like losing a limb."_

_"You ... work for Cerberus now? ..."_

_Shepard couldn’t explain, no matter what he had to say he knew back then that it was to no avail. But when he realized that Kaidan was turning his back on him, he couldn’t bear it._

_"Kaidan! Please, come with me. It will be just like it used to be...We need people like you. "_

That day his heart was hopelessly broken. John gathered the pieces into a poor single whole and convinced himself that nothing had happened. That he once and for all managed to get rid of something that distracted him from fully devoting his life to saving the galaxy. He was good at convincing himself.

Mission should always remain a priority! And it didn’t matter that so much more people had to die from his hands in the following months, so much more than should have to. Hundreds, thousands, millions ... he’d lost count long time ago.

Only when the Reapers attacked Earth, only when the threat of the world ending became obvious and inevitable once and for all, fate brought them together once more. And then, on Mars, when the heartless “ _Get rid of him"_ came through the comm, Shepard realized that he couldn’t lose Kaidan again. Not this time. Just because then there would be nothing left of John Shepard. Absolutely nothing. Just an empty shell.

He wouldn’t let Kaidan out of his sight, spent hours by his bed in the hospital, brought him all those silly gifts. He knew then that he’d lost his head. He knew he lost it long time ago, ever since he met Kaidan for the first time, but now this awareness spurred him on especially hard, mercilessly. Kaidan was kind to him, soft, open. Shepard didn’t remember him being like that since the first Normandy. Was it possible that Kaidan had forgiven him? Was it possible that he’d somehow managed to convince him of his loyalty to the Alliance?

 Kaidan proved his full trust in him when he killed Udina. One moment they were facing each other, holding each other at gunpoint, so close to a new betrayal, to a new fuck-up.

 

_"Listen to your gut, Kaidan. You always made the right choices. I admire that about you. Just listen to your gut. “_

And then Kaidan lowered his gun and turned around, aiming at the man he was supposed to protect. Once and for all, he crossed out any distance left between the two of them. Because he believed Shepard. Shepard wasn’t surprised when Kaidan asked him for a chance to serve abroad Normandy again. Shepard was almost not surprised when, shortly afterwards, Kaidan invited him to Apollo.

 

_"Someone? ..." he asked cautiously._

_"It's you, Kaidan," Shepard smiled.  Words were coming so easily.  "After all these time. You and me. I like that. A lot.”_

_"And that makes me so happy, Shepard."_

Hope ... .all his hope was burning in those caramel eyes. Not even for a briefest moment John doubted that it was the right thing to say. Nothing was more obvious to him that the fact that he cared for Kaidan more than for anything else in this world.

They had dinner at Apollo, joked over the menu, shared memories, and Shepard couldn’t believe that he had missed the chance to tell Kaidan all this earlier. Twist of fate. Kaidan was looking at him differently now and John knew that all this time he was so unusually quiet and cold and even detached because he was hiding his true feelings. Was he afraid that Shepard might reject him? Nonsense.

They were walking back to Normandy together, side by side, hands brushing occasionally and there was a mysterious, secret silence between them in which they both tried to get used to the new state of things. John wanted to tell him how much he dreamed of kissing him now. The desire was so strong that he was even considering doing it right there, right in the middle of the crowded Presidium.

They almost reached the elevator when a scruffy-looking Commander Bailey caught up with them (his short hair suspiciously disheveled). With a bewildered vague gestures, he said something about the Council waiting for Shepard and mentioned that some salarian had been following him around most of his way here, demanding Shepard‘s aid with "that very special artifact that turned out to be something alive and requiring immediate professional intervention" .

Shepard frowned, closed his eyes and shook his head. Then he looked at Kaidan with an unconcealed vexation. Major smiled knowingly, put his hand on Shepard’s shoulder and said,

"It's all right, Commander.  Mission should always remain a priority.”

With those words the grip on his shoulder tightened a little.

Shepard’s throat went suddenly dry.  Mission. And they were almost out of time for _each other_.

"Yeah ...," he said, lowering his eyes to Kaidan's lips, instinctively licking his own.

"Uhm, Shepard, look, if timing is bad, I can ..."

"I'm coming, Bailey -commander. Damn it, I'm coming," Shepard said, forcing himself to tear his eyes off Kaidan. Why had he never really noticed properly how beautiful the man was?

The meeting was dragging on for much longer than Shepard expected. He already began to seriously regret his decision to save the Council. Perhaps, if they had chosen new candidates, things would’ve been going much faster. Perhaps, they would have believed him earlier and all the panic could’ve been avoided. Shepard wished he could just turn around and leave, shutting them off with his trademark _"I should go_ ". But he also understood that the situation was so serious that he could no longer afford such a luxury. He couldn’t simply press a button, disconnect and act as he saw fit.

When he returned to Normandy, it was already past midnight. Some of the crew were still sitting in the mess hall, whispering quietly and anxiously to each other. Shepard walked past them, and headed wearily toward the elevator, to his cabin. To his misfortune, he stumbled upon Traynor (Did she ever sleep?). She reported hastily that a distress call had been received and that he would need to speak with the asari ambassador at the vidcom. When she looked at Shepard’s face though, which obviously didn’t express the most positive mix of emotions, Traynor smiled guiltily and added that the ambassador didn’t insist on an immediate meeting and that it could wait until morning.

"Alright, Traynor," he replied, already coming to terms with the fact that he would have to plunge into other people's problems once again.

In his cabin he was met only by a pile of data pads with extremely important messages and all the reports that he still had to write. Shepard felt a slight pang of disappointment because secretly he was hoping to be met by Kaidan here. Instead of sitting down and working on the reports he walked up to the aquarium, pressed the button, and  leaned against the cool glass, watching as the fish rushed up and fought for the best bits of food.

Shepard turned on his omni-tool, a light smile tagging at his lips. What if he messaged Kaidan now? Could he still be awake? Kaidan's name awaited his message silently, but in the end Shepard only shook his head, turned the omni-tool off and, discarding this idea, went back to his desk.

He woke up with a start at that very desk, his whole body protesting and sore after a night spent in an uncomfortable position. Damn exhaustion was taking its toll. Sometimes Shepard seriously regretted that Cerberus didn’t make a multi-functional cyborg out of him. Rubbing the back of his head, he looked suspiciously at the neat column of data pads assembled by his side. He could swear that he didn’t sort out the mess on his desk before falling asleep.

Instead of the asari ambassador he was greeted by Admiral Hackett at the vidcom. Admiral’s voice was being constantly blocked by some kind of noise but Shepard managed to catch the basic idea of the message: they were to set course to Benning now.

Kaidan met him with a soft meaningful smile when he walked into the shuttle. This smile made Shepard so unexpectedly warm all over that he thought he was about to melt and fuse into his own N7 armor. Despite his exhaustion and tension, he felt his lips stretch involuntarily into the silliest kind of grin.

"Hey, Loco! You okay?” James Vega good-naturedly smacked him on the shoulder with such force that Shepard nearly flew back out from the shuttle.

Kaidan chuckled softly.

"James, go easy on Commander," he said to the confused Lieutenant who watched Shepard attempting to climb back into the shuttle again and rubbing his shoulder. "Save your strength for Cerberus."

"Aye, aye, Major. Hell! I just didn’t expect it’s even possible to ever catch the man off-guard like that. What the hell?”

Fortunately, Steve Cortez appeared within the field of view and all James’ attention was immediately switched to him. He didn’t hear that special caring voice in which Kaidan asked,

“John. Everything alight?”

"Better than ever, Kaidan," Shepard replied, smiling again.

"You need... um ... you should try to sleep more." Kaidan looked down, and Shepard could swear major’s cheeks were flushing again. Despite the fact that the son of a gun was outranking him already, he still couldn’t master enough confidence to give Shepard at least some orders. Shepard wished Kaidan met Aria, he could probably learn a thing or two from her...

"Did you come to my quarters last night?" Shepard asked, as if it was the most casual question in the world, just like asking about the weather.

 "Yeah ... I just wanted to make sure... listen, John, I wanted to ..."

"Were you waiting for me then?"

The situation was starting to heat up in all possible literal senses.

"Hey, amigos! Esteban here asked me to convey a message for you: Don’t forget to buckle the fuck up. We’re heading out.”

"Esteban?"  Kaidan raised an eyebrow. He was still new to the Normandy and hasn’t yet quite managed to get used to all the up-to-date traditions and customs of the crew.

"Long story," Shepard chuckled.

   Kaidan took the seat across from him and all the way to their destination, while James was busy talking with Steve, John felt pretty much like he was drowning in those caramel eyes. He couldn’t look away, even if the whole squadron of Cerberus forces started storming the shuttle right at that moment. All his thoughts were about Kaidan. He remembered perfectly clear about the mission and what they were to do, but now he didn’t feel any pressure, all the tension left him. Now, even though Reapers were close as ever, he knew he’d found something that he had been missing all these years. A lost part of himself.

The operation on Benning went swiftly and smoothly, they took over the battlefield easily enough and saved the civilians in time.

 Explosions, bullets whistling around, machine-guns and turrets firing, shouts and pillars of smoke, all the integral parts of Shepard's life. He was so used to all this that sometimes, in moments of peace, he was even missing those. Missing the satisfying safety flick, the recharge hiss, the surprised groan of an enemy soldier.

Only now, crouching behind the cover, waiting for the smoke to settle a little, he could feel Kaidan's breathing behind him. Shepard didn’t remember how the major even got here, but, it seemed, throughout the whole mission, he tried to be somewhere nearby, trying to have Shepard’s back all the time. Perhaps that little incident with James had him worrying.

Shepard turned around and saw a familiar form, edged with a bright blue glow, so dear to him. Kaidan had changed since he first saw him on SR-1, all those years ago, in the past life. He was older now, silver strands had already touched his perfect black hair at the temples, his movements no longer carried the same delicate gracefulness or vulnerability. He was all steel muscles and heavy armor now. But John knew that deep down inside, he was the very same Kaidan he loved from the start, the same Kaidan he loves still and will love more and more with every splitting, deadly second of their lifes.

The heavy steps of Atlas could now be heard somewhere from behind the barricades. Bullets whistled ceaselessly over their temporary shelter.

"Esteban, we’re ready for the pick-up!" James was shouting somewhere through the thick veil of toxic smoke.

 

Mission should always remain a priority.

Mission should always...

Mission…

 

"Kaidan," Shepard was surprised with how calm his own voice sounded. "Hey, Kaidan."

Kaidan turned to him, crouching down when Atlas launched another missile in their direction, and the cover cracked at the seams.

“Shepard?”  he responded.

And before Shepard had time to account for what he was doing he put his hand on the back of Kaidan's head and pulled him in, pressing their lips together. He heard a surprised sigh, a quiet moan and a few moments later Kaidan's soft lips opened up for him. Kaidan put his arm around him, pulling him closer, as much as their armor would let them. All these years, all the lost and newly found hopes, all the feelings, Shepard was trying to put into this kiss, into every twist of their tongues, into every new breath shared between them. Time had stopped. Shepard swept his tongue once again over Kaidan's lower lip, reluctantly breaking away from him. Kaidan looked at him searchingly, his pupils dilated, and his cheeks burning, but a not so innocent smirk was ghosting on his lips full of the most daring promises...

"Don’t ever leave me again," Shepard breathed out, and Kaidan shook his head, not letting him go.

Somewhere to the left James let out a knowing whistle and only now they realized that no guns or turrets were heard anymore, that the smoke had cleared, and Cerberus troops had retreated, leaving nothing behind but an empty shell of Atlas towering over a ruined battle ground.

“Damn it, amigos, I always suspected that you two are...”

"Cortez here. Shuttle’s at the pick-up point! Start the evacuation now!"  Steve's determined voice cut through the sudden silence.

"Relax, Esteban," James answered. “Just hover up there for a minute or two longer. We’re coming to ya, as soon as I collect the two Romeos here.”

"What Romeos, Vega? What about civilians?”

“Long story.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
